My Journey into Motherhood

2 under 2

2010-11-03T13:11:00.000-07:00

That's right folks. We're pregnant!

Yes, again.
Yes, Zeke is only 5 months and I'm about 2 months along.
No, this wasn't exactly planned.
Yes, the will be about 12 months apart.
Yes, I will be a busy mommy.

Ok now that I've answered all the questions I've gotten so for, yes, I am starting to get excited. This was a bit of a surprise. Sort of. Right after Zeke was born we talked about when the next one would be. Joe and I both felt that God was asking us to trust him with the timing of the next one. So we did. And we are due mid June :)

I'm a little overwhelmed at the idea. But I think it's mostly because of the stigma of how hard 2 under 2 is. You'd think I'd have learned not to believe stigmas by now. I have several friends who have or have had 2 under 2, and all I hear from them is how much they love it.

Well, that's it for now. I have a little fussy boy who needs to go down for a nap. But here's a picture of my little man from halloween.

just for kendall

2010-10-02T15:29:00.000-07:00

*this is the same post as what is on Facebook*

I feel like this has been a long time coming, but maybe it's right on time. Those that know me know that I'm a pretty positive person. I even joke that I'm so positive that it shows it my blood type, b+ (get it be possitive :) ). But there is always been one area that I've had a hard time letting that positivity into. Looking back at my childhood.

Now I have some very great memories of my childhood, but over all I haven't been able to say I had a good childhood. It's like oil and water. When there is oil on top of the water it's very hard to get to the water without it being tainted. I'm now learning that it is possible.

I've always had a hard time hearing teachings on honoring your parents. I completely understand the concept, and love to honor my mom (Mama, you are the best! I love you so much! Thanks for always being there for me!). But I have never really figured out how to honor my father. Most people wouldn't think much of that, or even blame me for not, considering the circumstances. But it has never sat well with me. Perhaps it is understanding the process of forgiveness. To be completely honest there have been times I haven't wanted to even think about honoring him. But recently, I've been thinking about it. Not a lot, it's mostly been in the back of my mind. And I realized something. For a long time I haven't been able to think of anything positive my father gave me. I have found one. A very precious gift/character trait my father gave me. My heart for social justice.

On one hand, it makes total sense, what I've been through seems to create it. But on the other hand, how can it be that my father gave that to me. Keep in mind that, usually, your greatest weakness is your greatest strength turned against you. It seems odd, but my father had a very big heart for social justice. I can remember going to protests (at least one) when I was young. I understood unions and that you didn't cross a picket line. That you had to take a stand for what is right. Even if you are only one of a few, or even the only one, who does. I remember right before we went to the protest asking why we were going. He explained, in a way child would understand, it's because they make kids your age and under work in horrible places for very little money, only pennies.

Those who know me know how giant my justice button is :) Know how passionate I am about what is right. I have my father to thank for that. I've come a very long way in my journey of healing. Part of me thinks I still have a long way to go. But maybe I don't, I'll just heal and learn as life goes on. I realize that my father wasn't the father I needed, and probably will never be. I'm learning to accept that, it's not an easy thing. Part of me wants him to be. But I'm aware that pursuing that would only bring more pain. So I am still learning how to live life with the father I should have had. I am still healing from hurts and horrible memories. But I am learning that there is good in everyone. Sometimes you just have to work to get through the oil. And I will honor what God has put in everyone, even when it feels like they don't deserve it.

7 months

2010-03-14T10:49:00.000-07:00

Ok, so only one month between posts isn't as bad as almost a year. :)

I am now 7 months pregnant. 29 weeks to be exact. And it's starting to feel like things are coming together! We've started setting up the other room for the baby. I'm not sure how much it will be used since we are planning on having the baby sleep in our room, but the baby's room will be ready. I think we have all the clothes we will need right away for baby. Well we have several 0-3 outfits, we are going to have to buy 3-6 months clothes, but hey, we've got 3 months after the baby is born for that. Right? We have a *very* small supply of cloth diapers, but will be growing that supply very soon. :) Yes, you heard right. We are planning on cloth diapering. I decided this years ago, probably before I got married. And believe it or not Joe didn't take much convincing. We are very excited about how this is better for baby, the environment, and our wallets. :)

"Blueberry" is getting much stronger and bigger. The other day we decided that hanging out in my ribs and pushing on my lungs would be a fun thing to do. We did this for over half and hour. It was not as much fun for me. Apparently we still have some room to move and kick a BUNCH because that it what we do, all the time. It's fairly often through out the day that Joe will here me all of the sudden take a quick deep breathe. Every time he asks me what is wrong and the answer is always the same "Nothing, just baby". I'm pretty sure soon he will just stop asking and know what is going on.

Last time I talked about how we have lots of decisions ahead of us. Well in making some of those decisions we know have more decisions to make! Isn't that just the way it goes. Soon I will give you all the details of what is going on.

As far as work goes I will *more than likely* not be working. I may pick up a few shifts here and there, but nothing really set and scheduled. Other exciting work news is that this week I am switching from working 8 hour work days to 6 hour work days. I'm hoping this will help me feel less tired at the end of the day and I will be able to get more stuff done around the house.

My newest concern/wonder is how our cats will adapt to having a baby in the house and not being the "babies" anymore. We are trying to figure out how to prepare them for our new arrival.

I will upload a new picture of me and the baby belly later on today. Promise :)

Week 24

2010-02-07T20:37:00.000-08:00

We have made it to being viable! Which just means if something wasn't going well with the pregnancy that most hospitals will take every measure to save the baby. Pretty exciting.

I'm now showing and consistently feeling the baby move. Move feels like an understatement. Sometimes it feels like my child is having a dance party in my tummy. I also had my first good kick in the ribs, you know, the kind that make you take a deep breath and say "ow". I'm sure there will be many more of those. Joe is also feeling the baby consistently. Can I just brag on my hubby for a moment? He's going to be an amazing dad! Every morning when he wakes up he tells the baby good morning. He plays with the baby, well ok, more like my belly. He sings songs to the baby and tells the baby goodnight. I can't wait to see him interact with the baby.

We are also hitting the point where we have to start thinking about some big decisions. Car situation, moving apartments, and working after baby? Car - We don't use our pick up and it's not a good family car. And our Acclaim has been great, but is kind of a money pit. Our credit is shot while we are getting out of debt, so no car loan. Ha, no loan of any kind.
Apartment - our apartment is on the corner of the building and gets all the sun in the morning and into the afternoon. Which is nice during the winter, but not fun during a Redding summer. And it doesn't hold in the A/C very well. The other thing is that I don't have my own washer and dryer. So that means we use the coin operated laundry for the apartment. Which with a newborn and planning on cloth diapering is not going to be fun or inexpensive.
Work - everyones question. Will I work after the baby is born? We are trying to figure that out. Both Joe's and my preference would be that I stay home. We are currently trying to figure out the financial side of it. The big question is "Do I make enough to cover child care and still make enough after that to be worth it?". And if we do go down to one income (and even if we don't) how and where can we cut our expenses?

Lots of things to think about. I'm not stressing out about it anymore. I know God has an answer for all of these questions. My job is not to stress, but to seek Him for the answers.

No stressing.... I can do that. I keep reminding myself. :)

Let's try this again

2010-02-07T20:10:00.000-08:00

As you may notice I haven't blogged in almost a year. I've posted notes on facebook, but have kind of ignored my blog. Let's see if we can change that.

Plus I have a little more direction for the blog, as noted by the name change of the blog. We'll see how it goes. Keep watching and see what I discover! :)

Freedom = Indecision

2009-03-28T01:28:00.000-07:00

It's 1:30am. We are in San Francisco, Joe is fast asleep. I, apparently, have insomnia tonight. I blame all my recent closes for keeping me up late hours. My brain is still going full speed and since Joe already got to here me verbally process some, I am left to writing.

Feel privileged blog readers this one isn't going on the FB, this one is more of a journal entry.

I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do, as far as a career I mean. I'm grateful for my job, but I'm not a starbucks lifer :) Which means I need to go to school for SOMETHING. The question is what. Part of the problem (I feel) is that there are so many things that interest me that I could do that I don't know what I really want to do. Art, Design, Teach. The list goes on. Joe is telling me that I just need to register and take classes, figure it out along the way. I have two issues with this. One: it was ingrained in me that if I was going to college that I should know what I want to do and stick with it. Being a "full-time student" for my "career" was not a good choice. Two: I feel guilty, selfish for going to school when I don't really know what I want to do when Joe knows exactly what he wants to do but can't figure out how we have the money for him to go to art school. We talked about this whole school thing on our way to San Francisco today. I talked about how I'm scared at the idea of not knowing what I want to go to school for. At the idea of "failing". But thinking about it now I think the real problem is I don't trust the decisions I make. Stupid I know. But I honestly think that is the problem.

I joked around saying that it might be easier for me to create a list of careers that I don't want to do and start by process of elimination. But I might need to do that. I promised Joe I would fill out my FAFSA and register for college in the fall. The idea of that scares me. But I know he is going to hold me to it. You'd think that at 24 I'd have a few more things figured out. It's hard not to get too introspective. So I'm praying. A LOT. Hoping for.... guidance? breakthrough in my thought pattern? I don't really know what I'm hoping for. You know when I graduated high school I knew exactly what I wanted to go to college for and now 6 years later.....

Sorting Thoughts Out

2009-03-15T13:44:00.000-07:00

Haven't written in awhile so thoughts will still be a little jumbled.

I am hyper-emotional right now. Worked has me a stressed out and I'm pms-ing. Not fun for others, not fun for me.

I'm still working on the motivation thing. I planned my dinners for this week, unfortunately I only made one out of the 2 so far. Cramps have ruined most of my plans for today, and since I have to work tonight I'm resting for that. I think I just need to start planning my days.

I'm addicted to Craigslist.com. However, we haven't bought anything off there lately. I keep reminding myself no matter how good those deals look if we focus we can have Joe's student loan paid off this summer. So no matter how much I desperately want a new bed and a bed frame (I can't tell you how much I want a bed frame, to have my bed off the floor would make me so happy.), paying off our debt is the priority. It's hard. We've been in our apartment for almost two years now, and (to me) it still doesn't have a real homey look and feel to it. The good thing I get from this is that I am (yet again!) gaining more victory in finances! I'm not where I want to be but definitely one step closer. FPU started up again and I helping teach it again. Somehow that always gives me a push to more victory. I think part of it is accountability.

On a final note. I miss the beach. Terribly.

Noting in particular

2009-03-05T15:12:00.000-08:00

I have discovered that I really need to write more. Mostly for myself. I have lots of thoughts that run around in my head. If I can write (type) them out, they don't crowd my head. When I have lots of things I want to write it makes my head jumbled and confused. Which makes me not want to write because it won't make sense. Which makes my head more crowded. See what a vicious cycle it is?

I have made a few discoveries about myself lately. One, that I am not proud of and will be working on is that I am a fairly unmotivated person. Good revelation to have, not fun to deal with. I haven't figured out what my plan to deal with this is. But I am thinking about it. I'm realizing how many places in my life this trickles into. It's not a huge issue yet, but I know it's a slippery slope and I want to deal with it NOW.

The second was me needing to write more. Which is slightly difficult. I'm not sure anyone is interested in what I have to say. But for now writing is more for me. I do want to write a book. I sort of have 2 in the thinking through stage.

Three. I want to make my own clothes. I WANT to be a housewife. Yes the stereotypical one. I want to cook, clean, make my own clothes, decorate my beautiful house. Martha Stewart watch out. Ha ha.

That's all for now. Oh I hope to blog more often (if any one cares :) ) Joe is wonderful and gave me a laptop for my birthday. :)

Four

2009-02-07T22:53:00.000-08:00

So it's been four years.

Four years since my life feel apart. Four years from when I first was willing to bring up purposely forgotten memories. Four years ago was hell.

Four years since life restarted. Four years of healing. Four years of journeying. Four years of learning emotions.

Year four was harder than year three. I can't really tell you why. The 9th is actually the day that my dad was arrested. But everything happened about 2 weeks before that. Or so. I really had no concept of time. Except that I was happy when each day was over. It was a fight to get through each day. Some how this time of year always takes me by surprise. It's not exactly an "anniversary" I want to remember. This year it hit hard. In all the normal ways. I was emotional and overly sensitive. Poor Joe. He really is amazing and helps me through all this. I'd probably been emotional and sensitive and angry for almost two weeks before I realized yesterday why. It's a little easier to manage when I know what is going on.

I suppose that's why I've wanted my birthday to be good since then. It was all so close together I want something good going on in the midst of my mental chaos.

On a good note, year four is MUCH better than year one was.

Here's to year five being easier!

Things that we don't speak of

2008-11-12T11:35:00.001-08:00

I had a wonderful conversation with some friends last night. What was the topic? Sex. It was amazing! Thinking about it now we are all at different points of our life. I am married, one girl is getting married in 4 days, and the other is in a dating relationship. Now for context we are all christians and went to BSSM together so we all have the same view of sex and marriage.

But we got to openly discuss sex, not in a awkward or perverted way but open and honest. Expectations and Connection. What the church and our families had told us about sex. What our culture, generation and hollywood tells us (which for the most part is all wrong). I won't go into the same discussions we had since I don't know where all of you are at, but here are some of the key points we hit.

The church doesn't talk about sex (for the most part, I know several have finally begun to talk about) except to tell us it's only for marriage, don't do it, it's bad.

Family (again not all) doesn't talk about sex, it's awkward. Plus most of us don't want to admit our parents had sex except to conceive us.

So who does that leave to teach us and our children about sex? When we(the church) don't take the wonderful opportunity to teach about sex guess who takes that opportunity! Is it any wonder the our culture is so engrossed in sexuality? How and when did you learn about sex?

The great thing was that all three of us agreed that we want to teach our children (when we have them) about sex, in a healthy way. Not mystifying it or making it taboo. But explaining the wonderful gift and treasure it is. Joe and I are already praying for God to give us wisdom in when and how to explain it to our kids (no, no baby news yet)

For more thoughts on this topic I would recomend Kris Vallotton's book "Purity: The New Moral Revolutoin" it's amazing!

I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic!

Glorious!

2008-10-30T17:01:00.000-07:00

What a great day! Even despite finding out that we can't get a loan for a car. I painted today. No it's not Central America (or is it?) Well it wasn't intended to be at least. Just an abstract piece. After I was done painting I got a knock at the door and found out that my neighborhood has been "adopted" by a bunch of students from BSSM! Which will be so great for this area. I'm so excited about that.

So something that has been on my mind lately is the amount of time/energy/money/focus that our culture puts on looking younger. What's wrong with healthy aging? Shouldn't healthy aging be worn as a badge? To say "I have had an amazing life. God has been good to me. My life is full." If we(culturally) put half as much energy into being healthy instead of just looking younger, we would look and feel "younger". Just a thought.

Time change is this weekend! Don't forget!

Homesick

2008-10-19T19:56:00.000-07:00

A bit. It's true. Which doesn't really make sense anymore. I've been up here for over 2 years. In this same apartment for almost a year and a half! But there are still days when I just want to go back to So Cal. I haven't done very well creating a community up here. Well it was going pretty well then I started working full time again and still haven't adjusted. Thank the Lord for the patio tonight.

I went through the "Trees of Life" school this weekend. For those that don't know it's another counseling program offered through the Transformation Center at Bethel. It was so good. I got so many new tools and it cemented more that counseling will be somehow in my career. It also got me dreaming again. So exciting.

I'm also beginning to prepare for Christmas. I love Christmas.

How I love the rain...

2008-10-03T11:47:00.000-07:00

I've been ready for it. It was a wonderful way to start my weekend (yes, my weekend is Friday and Saturday) It is a chai, Norah Jones, writing kind of morning. I just wish Tosh would understand that.

Tosh is our new kitten. We've had him for two weeks and he is only 10 weeks old. He is my baby and is very demanding. When he wants attention he cries. Right now he is laying on my shoulder trying to nurse on my ear. This is quite normal.

I had a wonderful conversation last night at work with an older hippie couple. That is what I really love about my job. Getting to talk with all kinds of different people. It's in my job description. Connect. I just have to be careful I don't spend to much time connecting and make sure the store still gets closed right :)

We are still looking for another car so be praying for us about that.

I know this isn't a very deep post but I wanted to write at least a little. More will come soon

Dreams. Passion. Life

2008-04-15T11:54:00.000-07:00

It's funny what makes you stop and really think. Sometimes it really isn't anything more than a simple question.

If you could do anything you want (in relation to work/career) and money wasn't an issue, what would you do?

That's the kind of question that really makes you look. At yourself mostly, then your dreams and passions.

What do I want to do? What are my Dreams? What are my Passions?

Restoration. Restoration is one of my passions.

I love seeing people, families, things, ideas, cultures, dreams restored. Back to how they are supposed to be. How they were intended.

I decided that what I really want to do is see people restored. Mind, soul, spirit, and body. Living how they were intended to live. Now for the hard part. How do I do that? I have a few ideas running through my head. I'm going to try to go back to school next semester. I believe a step is to get my degree, in Psychology. I'm also going to be trying to get as much training as I can from the Transformation center.

There is so much more racing through my head that I need to figure out. And actually form into something that makes at least a little sense.

Time for new

2008-04-11T11:37:00.000-07:00

I'm not quite sure why I've now started ANOTHER random site with my random thoughts. Maybe because this seems more grown up than Myspace. Maybe I just wanted something that would (in theory) make me write more. I think that I could easily write atleast twice a week, but myspace just doesn't seem the best place for my thoughts. I'm not sure who all will be reading this, but this will probably be more like a journal. More vulnerable, more questions, more thoughts, more struggles. We will see where this thing takes us. It's bound to be interesting.