Freedom = Indecision

It's 1:30am.  We are in San Francisco, Joe is fast asleep.  I, apparently, have insomnia tonight.  I blame all my recent closes for keeping me up late hours.  My brain is still going full speed and since Joe already got to here me verbally process some, I am left to writing.

Feel privileged blog readers this one isn't going on the FB, this one is more of a journal entry.

  I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do, as far as a career I mean.  I'm grateful for my job, but I'm not a starbucks lifer :)  Which means I need to go to school for SOMETHING.  The question is what.  Part of the problem (I feel) is that there are so many things that interest me that I could do that I don't know what I really want to do.  Art, Design, Teach.  The list goes on.  Joe is telling me that I just need to register and take classes, figure it out along the way.  I have two issues with this.  One: it was ingrained in me that if I was going to college that I should know what I want to do and stick with it.  Being a "full-time student" for my "career" was not a good choice.  Two:  I feel guilty, selfish for going to school when I don't really know what I want to do when Joe knows exactly what he wants to do but can't figure out how we have the money for him to go to art school.  We talked about this whole school thing on our way to San Francisco today.  I talked about how I'm scared at the idea of not knowing what I want to go to school for.  At the idea of "failing".  But thinking about it now I think the real problem is I don't trust the decisions I make.  Stupid I know.  But I honestly think that is the problem. 

I joked around saying that it might be easier for me to create a list of careers that I don't want to do and start by process of elimination.  But I might need to do that.  I promised Joe I would fill out my FAFSA and register for college in the fall.  The idea of that scares me.  But I know he is going to hold me to it.  You'd think that at 24 I'd have a few more things figured out.  It's hard not to get too introspective.  So I'm praying. A LOT.  Hoping for.... guidance? breakthrough in my thought pattern?  I don't really know what I'm hoping for.  You know when I graduated high school I knew exactly what I wanted to go to college for and now 6 years later.....

Sorting Thoughts Out

Haven't written in awhile so thoughts will still be a little jumbled.  

I am hyper-emotional right now.  Worked has me a stressed out and I'm pms-ing.  Not fun for others, not fun for me.

I'm still working on the motivation thing.  I planned my dinners for this week, unfortunately I only made one out of the 2 so far.  Cramps have ruined most of my plans for today, and since I have to work tonight I'm resting for that.  I think I just need to start planning my days.  

I'm addicted to Craigslist.com.  However, we haven't bought anything off there lately.  I keep reminding myself no matter how good those deals look if we focus we can have Joe's student loan paid off this summer.  So no matter how much I desperately want a new bed and a bed frame (I can't tell you how much I want a bed frame, to have my bed off the floor would make me so happy.), paying off our debt is the priority.  It's hard.  We've been in our apartment for almost two years now, and (to me) it still doesn't have a real homey look and feel to it.  The good thing I get from this is that I am (yet again!) gaining more victory in finances!  I'm not where I want to be but definitely one step closer.  FPU started up again and I helping teach it again.  Somehow that always gives me a push to more victory.  I think part of it is accountability. 

On a final note.  I miss the beach.  Terribly. 

Noting in particular

I have discovered that I really need to write more.  Mostly for myself.  I have lots of thoughts that run around in my head.  If I can write (type) them out, they don't crowd my head.  When I have lots of things I want to write it makes my head jumbled and confused.  Which makes me not want to write because it won't make sense.  Which makes my head more crowded.  See what a vicious cycle it is?

I have made a few discoveries about myself lately.  One, that I am not proud of and will be working on is that I am a fairly unmotivated person.  Good revelation to have, not fun to deal with.  I haven't figured out what my plan to deal with this is.  But I am thinking about it.  I'm realizing how many places in my life this trickles into.  It's not a huge issue yet, but I know it's a slippery slope and I want to deal with it NOW.

The second was me needing to write more.  Which is slightly difficult.  I'm not sure anyone is interested in what I have to say.  But for now writing is more for me.  I do want to write a book.  I sort of have 2 in the thinking through stage.

Three.  I want to make my own clothes.  I WANT to be a housewife.  Yes the stereotypical one.  I want to cook, clean, make my own clothes, decorate my beautiful house.  Martha Stewart watch out.  Ha ha.

That's all for now.  Oh I hope to blog more often (if any one cares :) ) Joe is wonderful and gave me a laptop for my birthday. :)

Four

So it's been four years.  

Four years since my life feel apart.  Four years from when I first was willing to bring up purposely forgotten memories.  Four years ago was hell.

Four years since life restarted.  Four years of healing.  Four years of journeying.   Four years of learning emotions.

Year four was harder than year three.  I can't really tell you why.  The 9th is actually the day that my dad was arrested.  But everything happened about 2 weeks before that.  Or so.  I really had no concept of time.  Except that I was happy when each day was over.  It was a fight to get through each day.  Some how this time of year always takes me by surprise.  It's not exactly an "anniversary" I want to remember.  This year it hit hard.  In all the normal ways.  I was emotional and overly sensitive.  Poor Joe.  He really is amazing and helps me through all this.  I'd probably been emotional and sensitive and angry for almost two weeks before I realized yesterday why.  It's a little easier to manage  when I know what is going on.

I suppose that's why I've wanted my birthday to be good since then.  It was all so close together I want something good going on in the midst of my mental chaos.  

On a good note, year four is MUCH better than year one was.

Here's to year five being easier!

Things that we don't speak of

I had a wonderful conversation with some friends last night.  What was the topic?  Sex.  It was amazing!  Thinking about it now we are all at different points of our life.  I am married, one girl is getting married in 4 days, and the other is in a dating relationship.  Now for context we are all christians and went to BSSM together so we all have the same view of sex and marriage.

But we got to openly discuss sex, not in a awkward or perverted way but open and honest.  Expectations and Connection.  What the church and our families had told us about sex.  What our culture, generation and hollywood tells us (which for the most part is all wrong).  I won't go into the same discussions we had since I don't know where all of you are at, but here are some of the key points we hit.

The church doesn't talk about sex (for the most part, I know several have finally begun to talk about) except to tell us it's only for marriage, don't do it, it's bad.

Family (again not all) doesn't talk about sex, it's awkward.  Plus most of us don't want to admit our parents had sex except to conceive us.

So who does that leave to teach us and our children about sex?  When we(the church) don't take the wonderful opportunity to teach about sex guess who takes that opportunity!  Is it any wonder the our culture is so engrossed in sexuality?  How and when did you learn about sex?

The great thing was that all three of us agreed that we want to teach our children (when we have them) about sex, in a healthy way.  Not mystifying it or making it taboo.  But explaining the wonderful gift and treasure it is.  Joe and I are already praying for God to give us wisdom in when and how to explain it to our kids (no, no baby news yet)

For more thoughts on this topic I would recomend Kris Vallotton's book "Purity: The New Moral Revolutoin"  it's amazing!  

I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic!

Glorious!

What a great day!  Even despite finding out that we can't get a loan for a car.  I painted today.  No it's not Central America (or is it?)   Well it wasn't intended to be at least.  Just an abstract piece.  After I was done painting I got a knock at the door and found out that my neighborhood has been "adopted" by a bunch of students from BSSM!  Which will be so great for this area.  I'm so excited about that.

So something that has been on my mind lately is the amount of time/energy/money/focus that our culture puts on looking younger.  What's wrong with healthy aging?  Shouldn't healthy aging be worn as a badge?  To say "I have had an amazing life.  God has been good to me.  My life is full."  If we(culturally) put half as much energy into being healthy instead of just looking younger, we would look and feel "younger".  Just a thought.

Time change is this weekend! Don't forget! 

Homesick

A bit. It's true. Which doesn't really make sense anymore. I've been up here for over 2 years. In this same apartment for almost a year and a half! But there are still days when I just want to go back to So Cal. I haven't done very well creating a community up here. Well it was going pretty well then I started working full time again and still haven't adjusted. Thank the Lord for the patio tonight.

I went through the "Trees of Life" school this weekend. For those that don't know it's another counseling program offered through the Transformation Center at Bethel. It was so good. I got so many new tools and it cemented more that counseling will be somehow in my career. It also got me dreaming again. So exciting.

I'm also beginning to prepare for Christmas. I love Christmas.