I feel like this has been a long time coming, but maybe it's right on time. Those that know me know that I'm a pretty positive person. I even joke that I'm so positive that it shows it my blood type, b+ (get it be possitive :) ). But there is always been one area that I've had a hard time letting that positivity into. Looking back at my childhood.
Now I have some very great memories of my childhood, but over all I haven't been able to say I had a good childhood. It's like oil and water. When there is oil on top of the water it's very hard to get to the water without it being tainted. I'm now learning that it is possible.
I've always had a hard time hearing teachings on honoring your parents. I completely understand the concept, and love to honor my mom (Mama, you are the best! I love you so much! Thanks for always being there for me!). But I have never really figured out how to honor my father. Most people wouldn't think much of that, or even blame me for not, considering the circumstances. But it has never sat well with me. Perhaps it is understanding the process of forgiveness. To be completely honest there have been times I haven't wanted to even think about honoring him. But recently, I've been thinking about it. Not a lot, it's mostly been in the back of my mind. And I realized something. For a long time I haven't been able to think of anything positive my father gave me. I have found one. A very precious gift/character trait my father gave me. My heart for social justice.
On one hand, it makes total sense, what I've been through seems to create it. But on the other hand, how can it be that my father gave that to me. Keep in mind that, usually, your greatest weakness is your greatest strength turned against you. It seems odd, but my father had a very big heart for social justice. I can remember going to protests (at least one) when I was young. I understood unions and that you didn't cross a picket line. That you had to take a stand for what is right. Even if you are only one of a few, or even the only one, who does. I remember right before we went to the protest asking why we were going. He explained, in a way child would understand, it's because they make kids your age and under work in horrible places for very little money, only pennies.
Those who know me know how giant my justice button is :) Know how passionate I am about what is right. I have my father to thank for that. I've come a very long way in my journey of healing. Part of me thinks I still have a long way to go. But maybe I don't, I'll just heal and learn as life goes on. I realize that my father wasn't the father I needed, and probably will never be. I'm learning to accept that, it's not an easy thing. Part of me wants him to be. But I'm aware that pursuing that would only bring more pain. So I am still learning how to live life with the father I should have had. I am still healing from hurts and horrible memories. But I am learning that there is good in everyone. Sometimes you just have to work to get through the oil. And I will honor what God has put in everyone, even when it feels like they don't deserve it.
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